Sunday, February 3, 2013

Five Worst Things About Being Vegetarian

1-     Everyone’s got an opinion about it, and they can’t wait to tell you
2-     Being so regular really eats up the morning

3-     Clothes are too loose

4-     When your friends go the Tilted Kilt or Hooters they think twice about asking because you won’t eat wings (the answer is still yes, I’ll go just for the view)

5-     People giving you a funny look when you order tofu

What, you thought I was going to say passing on bacon?

1 comment:

  1. Have you also given-up coffee? A number of years ago I was down to 1 cup of green tea per day, but then I got a job at a coffee shop. The coffee shop job is, thankfully, no more. Unfortunately, so is the caffeine abeyance. With that in mind, however, the combination of my recent increase in the ingestion of vegetable matter with my continuance of imbibing of java has caused me to reorganize my morning schedule, and has almost made me late for AM appointments.

    The following would otherwise be considered a useless fact, but I offer it to you in the hope that it may prove handy in diffusing those stupid looks that an order of tofu sometimes inspires. Benjamin Franklin introduced tofu to The United States. In his youth he was quite the athlete and cut a dashing figure. Contrary to the popular "Santa Franklin" image of him, he didn't put on the extra pounds until his health prevented him from exercise. The particular malady that caused the good Doctor to put on the famous extra pounds? Gout.
    So you see, my friend, it is my hope that if you don't already know all of this shit, which you very well might, that it might give you some tools both for personal pride and rhetorical response. The fact that you are overcoming an obstacle that stunted the indomitable Dr. Franklin ought to encourage you (if only Franklin had introduced yoga to America too, maybe he'd have kept the pounds off). And the fact that tofu is inextricably intertwined with the legacy of one of our most respected and famous founding fathers ought to give you either ammunition against ignorant inferences that tofu is somehow unreconcilable with the American identity, or a sparkling comment to diffuse the awkward moment of that funny look when you've just ordered tofu.

    You know, I've not yet been to The Tilted Kilt? A mutual friend of ours introduced it to me, for which I give him much credit, but we didn't patronize the establishment. When my friends all go out for wings at a significantly-less buxom establishment, here in my town of residence, I order a Greek salad. I don't crave wings: they give me heartburn. My friends have gotten used to the salad thing.

    Oh, and congratulations on the clothes being too loose.