Thursday, January 31, 2013

Smelly Secrets of a Vegetarian

The only recourse in presence of meat eaters
I have a confession to make, and it involves being a vegetarian.  I haven’t heard other vegetarians talk about this when we get together at the coven to make tofu sacrifices and worship Bahomet, but I suspect they think the same thing.  We don’t want to tell you, because we love you, silly meat eaters, but here it goes.

You all stink.

Really, I’m very sorry, but it’s true.  I read once that when people quit smoking and their sense of smell returns to normal they have a moment of shock and revulsion the first time they get a good sniff of another smoker.  “Is that what I smelled like?!?  Ew!”  They can’t believe that they once offended the world as they are now offended.  That’s essentially what happens a few months after you stop eating meat. 

You start to notice that everyone has a little bit of a rancid meat smell about them.  It’s not evident at first, but it starts to build over time.  You notice body odor in a way that you didn’t before.  You hold your face back a few more inches than normal when in a close conversation.  This shock doesn’t last long, and the stinky meat smell from your fellow humanity just becomes part of the background funk soon enough, but that is a surprising couple of weeks.

Does not eating meat make you stink less?  I can walk out of a Bikram sweat factory and (per the reports of my trusted fashion advisor) not smell any different then when I left for class.  My fashion advisor also advises that I have never had a particularly pungent man-funk, but that my man-funk is even less man-funky now.  A sample size of one is not statistically significant, but I invite you all to sniff me at your earliest convenience.  

I wonder how bad the smell must be to vegans?


  1. HA! It's too early for me to notice the meat-eating aroma but I have two things helping me out:
    1) I've made my whole family Vegan. Since then,only once have I allowed someone else to cook meat in my kitchen- gross.
    2)My body is still adjusting to processing the extra veggies and beans that I'm eating so I am unable to smell anyone else over my own stank.
    Once my body adjusts, I'll get back to you. Is it a coincidence that my Pandora station just started playing Jane's Addiction "Pigs in Zen"?

  2. ellenstarrlyon got to the subject before I could. I've recently returned to my vegetable-heavy eating habits of yesteryear, replete with meat alternatives as protein sources. Although I don't see myself as heading toward utter forbearance of animal flesh, I don't miss it when I have adequate substitutes. Since increasing my intake of roughage and beans I have noticed a corresponding increase in the output —both sonically as well as aromatically— of my intestinal fortitude. The blunt honesty of your fashion advisor would probably have resulted in your having been notified by now if you had gone through such a transition, so I'm guessing that you haven't. Still, I'm curious: New vegetarian fart much?

  3. "I invite you all to sniff me at your earliest convenience." = best sentence I've read all day! :)

  4. I think I did have an abundant amount of windage in the first few months, but I trickled down from meat once a day to twice a week to twice a month over that time, so it wasn't an abrupt change. I did notice that the, um, output was often and abundant for a few months, which we shall refer to as "moving the back catalog".

  5. "moving the back catalog." Excellent.